One morning I took a pill. Like the matrix, this pill was supposed to reveal reality and destroy the world's illusions.
Nothing happened.
That night, I was slightly drunk and I was walking back home with my roommates. We were part of a larger group. We were chatting. I like walking back with friends that I live with. I'm always slightly insecure about walking home alone inebriated. This is probably because when I was 6, I was the weakest kid on the block. I used to get picked on by the bullies. But that's where I learned diplomacy. I started sharing all my toys, giving away the chocolate that my dad got me from abroad, and I turned my enemies into my friends. But, that insecurity never left. Even though I'm 6'2 and athletic, I always watch my back. I haven't been in a fight since the fifth grade when I broke a kid's arm. I cried about it, I shouldn't have hurt someone so badly. I still feel remorseful about that, but that's another story...
So we were walking, and I'm talking to two friends that I live with. We fall behind the rest of the pack. We're chatting about life, and I get kind of insecure and want to join up with the larger group. I run ahead to see where they're going for a second. I turn around to find my friends, they're gone. I think it's really weird, why would they leave? I was kind of scared.
A beautiful girl walks up alongside me from nowhere. We were surrounded by trees. The sky was starry. The night was dark and beautiful. Our eyes meet and she gives me an inviting smile. I want to talk to her. But part of me pulls me back. Why? I'm scared; not that we wouldn't get on, but that I would like her. Why was I scared? I smile back politely, and run off to join the rest of the group, I regret my decision, and I look back to find her. She's disappeared. Damn.
I ask my friends who I don't live with about what happened to the friends that I live with. They're say "whatever, they probably stopped for a minute somewhere". The part of that watches my back kicks in again. I space out for a minute looking at the moon. I shake myself out of the weird trance. I turn around and a couple of kids from our group have disappeared. Guys where did you go? The rest of us are still among trees and grass. We keep walking, I don't want to sound scared, so I don't ask anyone where my friends went. I'm silent. It's silent.
I space out again. I space out a lot. The trees are beautiful. Why hasn't the pill affected me. This sucks. I will never know what enlightenment is. I'm so pretentious. Fuck! I shake myself out again. There's no one around me. When I'm alone and it's night and I live in a shitty neighborhood, I go into hyper-alert mode. This is my defense mechanism. When this happens, I become totally badass, completely unlike myself normally. No one can touch me.
Something pulls me from behind. I feel like it's taking my shirt off. I shiver. I'm suddenly flying. I'm in the trees, not above them. I grab on to a branch. The thing stops. It lets go of me. I'm no longer flying. What a relief. The branch starts cracking. Shit. I fall.
Buaaaahhhh. I spit the pill out and the water I took it with. A voice says, "YOU COULDN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH, THIS IS YOUR FATE." I'm in a comfortable chair. I feel depressed. I don't like rejection. I've learned to deal with it, but I hate rejection. I space out for a brief second. I snap back into it. I turn to my left. The beautiful girl from the night before is sitting in another comfortable chair beside me. Our eyes meet. I smile invitingly. I bring my hand close to hers. We kiss slowly; tentatively; sweetly.
Then I realize: this is reality, the illusion is gone. We are so caught up in our own fears and insecurities that sometimes we don't let ourselves go spontaneously. We're so caught up with controlling our lives and giving them structure that we forget that we need to let ourselves drift. Don't be afraid. Let whatever happen happen. I guess in the dream I was exposed to some of my fears, and might have been able to get over them as a result. If we shy away from our fears, we will never be able to overcome them. Let fate carry us through life. Collectively, as human beings, we are far too risk averse. We're naive if we think we have full control over our lives. There are too many things that you just can't control, so let yourself go. That just might be what the reality the pill was supposed to do in the first place.
Weird dream...
