Sunday, 4 May 2008


I've been going through a bit of a weird phase lately. I felt great for several weeks, fantastic top of the world really. But, I feel a bit depressed now, primarily because I'm never satisfied with what I have, what I am, and with the present. No matter how much I achieve, I can never live up to the expectations that I have of myself. I am brutally self-critical. To compound matters, I've been reading lots of Persian poems by Khayyam and Hafiz, who were probably intellectually frustrated in a similar way. Being talented at (too) many things appears to lead to a periodic sense of extreme cockiness and vain narcissism, followed by or combined with self-dissatisfaction and dissatisfaction with the world. 

The final two lines of one of Khyyam's famous rubai's have the following jist:

All his life Bahram the brave ("gur" in Persian) chased the gazelle (also "gur")
But, in the end, the grave (also "gur") finally caught Bahram-Gur

(side note: amazing wordplay.)

Like the hero Bahram, I feel like I'm chasing something that I am unable attain, and finally death will catch up to me without my having attained anything. I think I am chasing lasting inner bliss. 

Compounding matters further, I've been listening to Hotel Costes' latest album (no. 10). The song "Adios" by Zimpala, is beautifully depressing jazz/electro/trip-hop. Here are the lyrics as I heard them, followed by an English translation:

rompio mi corazon  He broke my heart 
cuando dijo adios     when he said goodbye
sin razon                    without a reason
una triste manana    a sad tomorrow
queria quedarme      I wanted to stay

muere mi corazon que diria    My dying heart that would say
oh, queria quedarme                oh, I wanted to stay

le quiero, le odio     I love him, I hate him
me ha dejado           He left me

adios mi amor...           Goodbye my love

Basically, I want to take a vacation from being myself for a little while and become someone else, so that I can truly appreciate being myself.